Psychoanalysis

Word of a Psychiatrist:

I pretend I care. I invite you into my anything but humble office with a smile on my face. Immediately when you step in, you notice the hundreds of books on my shelves. Almost all of which, I have never read. Infact, if you go up and look really closely to some of them, you will see that a number of them are cardboard. Hey, get away from those books! I mean have a seat where you would like. I'm going to sit in this chair leaving you only one other option, but I'll bet you thought I was giving you a choice anyhow. Silly man.

Ok, what seems to be the problem? By the way, I know the problem, but this checklist I have hidden away on the other side of my clipboard says that I have to ask you what the problem is to see if you are in denial. If you are in denial, this may take a little longer, and my lunch break is coming up pretty soon. So, lets just come to terms with your condition so that we can get on with the transaction. Speaking of transaction, even if I did nothing to help you that could be pin pointed, you will leave here with the feeling that you have been helped, and that at least one person in this world holds the slightest glimmertrace of compassion for your minisculed problems and your unimpactfull life. So I'll get paid anyway. And, yes I plan on using words that are long and occassionally enigmatic such as words like: glimmertrace, unimpactfull, and enigmatic. I do this to create the illusion of my superiority to you. This establishes control. You like it when other people are in control. It let's you feel relief. It makes you happy. So basically, me being better than you is good for both of us. Cha-Ching!

*clears throat.

Hey! Please don't touch that. That's my employee-of-the-quarter award sealed in a heavy acrylic paperweight. I got that last month. No wait, uhm..this month? What my picture wasn't on the wall outside in the hall? Err...Ok, it's not mine. It belongs to someone who works in this office with me sometimes. That? Oh never mind that white powdery stuff. I said nevermind. Sigh. If you must know, and you won't leave me the hell alone...It's Vicadin. It's on the bottom of the paperweight because I used it to crush the tablets. Why? why...why...(think)...Oh!. Um, one of my patients has a hard time swallowing pills. Yeah that's it. So, I..um, dilute them! In water. That way she can drink them. It's neccesary. Trust me. What? I missed a spot? Where? Oh shit! I mean thank you. Very perceptive of you. *brushes out mustache.

So, where were we? Oh yes. Your problem. How do your parents feel regaurding this matter? I, of course know the answer to this question. I recently had a meeting with them while you were at school. But, I like making you feel that you have something I want. It gives you the illusion of power. It disillusions your mind, allowing you to think you are the one in charge. You like that don't you, doggy. Bark for daddy. Good job! Here's a treat. No silly. Not a treat of tasty grain and meat extracts, just the illusion of power. You see I am the boss in this world. In your crazy world, I can understand you thinking you're the boss, however in this one, I hold the power of illusion. You hold the illusion of power. Get it? I didn't think so.

Oh, you feel your parents don't care? Hmm. I'm not robbing them blind and slowing dwindling away your college fund because they don't care. Oh they do care. They do indeed care. But, what they don't see is that in forfeiting the money they were saving to put you through school, they will ultimately perpetuate your downward spiral into uneducated poverty. The American Way, man. That's what you want right? I piece of the pie? Even if it is an almost unnoticible little morsel that fell off the table and is now being eaten by Sammy, the old family dog. Back to the topic at hand. When your caring parents realize, they have nothing to support your education, they will be overwhelmed with guilt. They will feel so bad about themselves and question every decision they have made that affected your life. They will wonder, if they did something differently, would you have turned out better? They of course, will then require emotional support. In that quest for such, they will find me as they are transfering their phone numbers from one old and worn out, scribble-ridden address book, the new one they recently purchased at Wal-Mart for three dollars. They will see my number, and it will glow and call out to them like a mythical siren from ancient times. Calling to them and leading them towards her voice. I am that siren. And they will run aground. The rocky shores will will crush their bow. Splinters of their lives flying into the fog.

But, anyway..Oh no. I'm very sorry, but our time has expired. I found our conversation enjoyable. You are a very smart person. Keep your chin up. You know, if you put your mind to it, you can achieve anything. Good day.