My initial thoughts were "Wow, that is way too much type." You've got way too much fluff (unneeded, space-filler words). It's dragging down the design and not allowing the viewer room to breathe.
People are smarter than you think. You don't need to spell out everything. You've also used several descriptive words more than once, and you contradict your efforts in using "rocket" and then "dig" to describe your services in the same paragraph. Your first bullet point needs work to stay consistent with the others.
Is that. . .building shaped like a . . .brain? Gross. I would never want to go in there. The image is way too busy and unclear. SIMPLIFY.
In my opinion, this needs major work - hire a copywriter.
Thanks, for the feedback and i did hire a copy writer. I don't think the two words are contradicting since they are each used in different context. Just trying to find away to remove pieces whilst still keeping the concept in tact.
Looks WAY TOO "gimicky". It's TOO BUSY, I don't even want to take the time to look at it. Simplify, Simplify, Simplify. You want to stand out, not be thrown out like some medicine postcard or viagra flyer.... People don't like to read lots of text, you need to have a "point" to drag them in and get their attention.
I totally agree with what's already been said, this is way too busy! You said in your very brief description that you wanted some ideas on how to get all this info on the back, so this is a two sided piece? Is all of that copy going on the back then, without the brain building? I'm a little confused.
With what's there, the leading is entirely too tight and the jaggedy left edge of the type is way too hard to follow reading from line to line.
So, if this is the second side, where's the front? I mean, how can we judge an entire piece based on only 50% of it?
What i noticed, It's heavy. Everything is bulky, bold & difficult to read. You have too many elements. The * in my opinion - is silly. You're trying to be too in your face. What about potential clients that would love some whitespace? They won't find it here.
I agree with Seraphim about the brain building as well. It's very gross. I didn't get what it was until i read her comment and then literally said "ew" outloud.
Typography wise - it's very very beginner looking. There are widows all over the place and the justified type is pretty bad as well.
You just have too many damn elements. If i listed all of the graphical elements you did in this piece, it would be a whole paragraph. Just remember this business is about communication.
The type on this piece is not composed well at all. Why use bullet points unless you can align them properly? Why is your type justified in some areas and ragged right in others?
Also, what's the point of the underlined text? That seems so Microsoft-ish, not top-notch design-ish. It just doesn't flow very well.
But, like you say, you're young and have plenty of time to try again.
.thumbnail.jpg "Bullet Energy Drink Final")
Too much fluff.
My initial thoughts were "Wow, that is way too much type." You've got way too much fluff (unneeded, space-filler words). It's dragging down the design and not allowing the viewer room to breathe.
People are smarter than you think. You don't need to spell out everything. You've also used several descriptive words more than once, and you contradict your efforts in using "rocket" and then "dig" to describe your services in the same paragraph. Your first bullet point needs work to stay consistent with the others.
Is that. . .building shaped like a . . .brain? Gross. I would never want to go in there. The image is way too busy and unclear. SIMPLIFY.
In my opinion, this needs major work - hire a copywriter.
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Perfectly Lost Designs
Copywriter
Thanks, for the feedback and i did hire a copy writer. I don't think the two words are contradicting since they are each used in different context. Just trying to find away to remove pieces whilst still keeping the concept in tact.
umm...
Looks WAY TOO "gimicky". It's TOO BUSY, I don't even want to take the time to look at it. Simplify, Simplify, Simplify. You want to stand out, not be thrown out like some medicine postcard or viagra flyer.... People don't like to read lots of text, you need to have a "point" to drag them in and get their attention.
WHOA!
I totally agree with what's already been said, this is way too busy! You said in your very brief description that you wanted some ideas on how to get all this info on the back, so this is a two sided piece? Is all of that copy going on the back then, without the brain building? I'm a little confused.
With what's there, the leading is entirely too tight and the jaggedy left edge of the type is way too hard to follow reading from line to line.
comments
Thanks for the comments keep them coming, this is the back side of the piece. this is where I'm putting the info
wow
that's a great piece ,i like it except that there is too much type and taking all the space actual that's what i noticed first
So, if this is the second
So, if this is the second side, where's the front? I mean, how can we judge an entire piece based on only 50% of it?
What i noticed, It's heavy. Everything is bulky, bold & difficult to read. You have too many elements. The * in my opinion - is silly. You're trying to be too in your face. What about potential clients that would love some whitespace? They won't find it here.
I agree with Seraphim about the brain building as well. It's very gross. I didn't get what it was until i read her comment and then literally said "ew" outloud.
Typography wise - it's very very beginner looking. There are widows all over the place and the justified type is pretty bad as well.
You just have too many damn elements. If i listed all of the graphical elements you did in this piece, it would be a whole paragraph. Just remember this business is about communication.
life is great; without it, you'd be dead.
Brain 2 Bland
The type on this piece is not composed well at all. Why use bullet points unless you can align them properly? Why is your type justified in some areas and ragged right in others?
Also, what's the point of the underlined text? That seems so Microsoft-ish, not top-notch design-ish. It just doesn't flow very well.
But, like you say, you're young and have plenty of time to try again.